What's wrong now?

It has been about 4 months since my surgery. I have really been feeling better. I just came back from seeing my oral surgeon at Hopkins. He was taking a bite impression to start the process of getting my implants. In a few months I would have a full set of teeth. My spirits were high. My attitude was getting better. I could see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Until two days later, my face decided to swell. Great.

The right side of my face where the doctors did the reconstruction had swollen. I panicked. Is my bone graft failing? Will I have to do the surgery all over again? Fear had taken over. It was time to go back to Hopkins and see my other doctors who did the surgery.

I will say this about the secretaries of both Dr K and Dr B, they really try to work with you. I called both with a desperate sense of dread and I think they could tell by my voice on the phone. I was lucky to get an appointment that day with Dr K and although I did have to wait two days for Dr B I was satisfied.

Upon seeing Dr K and informing him of what I had been through over the last few days, he had come to the conclusion that I was some how allergic to the impression that my oral surgeon did on Monday. He prescribed antibiotics and I went on my merry way. After I got home I starting thinking that it would be odd for me to be allergic to that. I have had the impression done in the past and never had an issue. So I decided to call my oral surgeon to let him know what happened. He stated that swelling could not be possible from the impression. Regardless he stated to go see him on Friday after I see Dr B. Good.

I went to on Friday to see Dr B and he gave me a prescription to get a CAT Scan. Great my 6th one in a year. Anyway, the scan did not show anything other then the collection of fluid that had built up. In other words he had no idea. Regardless the swelling needed to be drained, which lead to another cut underneath my chin. They did this so they could create a hole where all the pus could come out and by this time there was a lot. Gross, I know. Let’s just say I was none to happy about another possible scar.

I broke down. As now I have a hole the size of a dime underneath my chin. The thought of yet another scar, another mark of what this stupid tumor did to me I could not take it. The nurse was trying to be so nice in saying that its will be very small and when its done draining they will close it up nice. I did not want to hear that. All I cared about was I would have another mark.


In the newly formed wound they place a sterile plastic tube which was really just a finger of a plastic glove. They stitched the end of it to my skin so it would not come out. This tube will help drain out the goo that was in my jaw. I will have to go back in a two weeks to see the Dr to make sure things are going well.

After this appointment I went to see Dr S, my oral surgeon. He looking into my mouth and saw the swelling and confirmed that it was not caused by the impression. Obviously no implant procedure can be done till this swelling is under control. I left the hospital felling drained both physically and emotionally. Another scar. More time to wait for my new teeth.

I called my mom when I got into my car. Usually she is by my side when I go to the doctor for follow ups in the past. But I told her not to bother this time. Putting on my brave face I told her what happened.

What will I look like?

Its been just over a month since the 2nd surgery. I am still swollen under my chin and on my right side of my face where the reconstruction took place. I find myself at this point wondering when all the swelling goes down...What will I look like.


With any type of surgery on this magnitude there can be some type of facial deformity. I can already tell that my bite is different. Will my face/new jaw line be bigger or smaller? Will my swelling go down to where I look "normal"? Will I recognize one side of my face and not the other?

I am already waiting with anticipation to see if the paralysis of my lower lip will go away. That is what the Doctor said can take up to 3 months. Well one month gone, two to go. I sometime have trouble talking which might be related to the lip or the fact I am missing 5 teeth. My lip, my speech, my face. Does not bode well for my dating life.

I have never been a huge party person or found the need to go find a man to make me happy. I date but that is not a priority. That was my choice. I find now even if I wanted to, especially if things don't change, what will I look like? Who will want me now?

Yes, out of all the stuff I have been through this is what I worry about. Face it, we live in a society where appearance matters. I know I am lucky. I know it may not be that bad. But that thought is there, in my head. I have to wonder... what will I look like? Will I see me?

And my answer is: I don't know.

I would smile, but I can't

Well, on January 3rd after 14 days, two operations, 42 plus shots and countless other drugs I am home. I find myself very tired and sore. Pain is not too bad but I do have my drugs if needed to combat that. I can finally walk around without a walker. My leg is not even close to being 100%. I will have to go to physical therapy for that. But with time I should be moving around. I have complete numbness in half my face. From the left side of my chin all they way around to my lower right ear. Doctor does not think I will ever get the feeling back. But I guess I could live with it. 5 teeth are gone. Neck is still sore understandably. They did cut in the nature crease of my neck. Looks like someone took a small razor and sliced it from one side to the other. Its hard to move my neck around but its something I have to work on, especially if i want to drive again.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I have limited lip movement. In other words I can not smile or control my lower lip. I feel like Dick Clark. Doctor said it may get better but no guarantees. I can live with the scars and the numbness, but this is too much for me. Since the second surgery on December 24th there has not been one night where I have not cried.

It was a hard thing to go through, still is. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I pray that no other person has to go through this. I know it could be worst. There were people on my floor who had to go through chemo and radiation. I can not even imagine what they go through. All I can do is deal with the pain, and fear and reality of what I have. And its sucks.

Happy New Year.

12 days. I have been in this hospital for 12 days. Feels much longer that then that. It’s New Years. Spent my second holiday in the hospital. Go me! The good part of where I am staying at the hospital is that I could see the fireworks that took place above Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. Well for the most part as it was on an angle. But they were nice.

My mom stayed at the hospital with me late that night just to see the fireworks. She usually leaves no latter then 9pm to head back to the hotel where she was staying. But the time the fireworks were over she could not get a cab. This in hindsight was a big mistake as there was none available. It was New Years after all. So she ended up sleeping over on the little chair that turns into a couch. Not the most comfortable bed but it will do in a pinch.

When I came into the hospital they did warn me that I would lose some weight. But since I was not having my mouth wired shut I did not think I would lose much. I finally was able to get onto a scale at the hospital and I lost 8 pound. Guess its better then nothing. This did not surprise me since I was eating NOTHING for the first few days and was put on a feeding tube after that. Can not wait till I get this tube out. I want chicken wings.

I can tell that the doctors and staff want me to go home, but I don’t want to go home with drains and if there is an issue I would rather deal with it while I am here and not over 3 hours away. Besides, I would not be able to drive, not yet anyway as I can not turn my head. So I would have to rely on other people to help like my bro.

The doctors did come in today to take off one of the drains in my neck. This is good as I was sick of having these two big balls hanging from my neck. They made me look like I had 4 boobs. Plus it’s so gross when they drain the ball as it fills up with blood and other liquids. Let’s just say it stung when they removed it. What a weird sensation.