Friday, January 25, 2008

What will I look like?

Its been just over a month since the 2nd surgery. I am still swollen under my chin and on my right side of my face where the reconstruction took place. I find myself at this point wondering when all the swelling goes down...What will I look like.

With any type of surgery on this magnitude there can be some type of facial deformity. I can already tell that my bite is different. Will my face/new jaw line be bigger or smaller? Will my swelling go down to where I look "normal"? Will I recognize one side of my face and not the other?

I am already waiting with anticipation to see if the paralysis of my lower lip will go away. That is what the Doctor said can take up to 3 months. Well one month gone, two to go. I sometime have trouble talking which might be related to the lip or the fact I am missing 5 teeth. My lip, my speech, my face. Does not bode well for my dating life.

I have never been a huge party person or found the need to go find a man to make me happy. I date but that is not a priority. That was my choice. I find now even if I wanted to, especially if things don't change, what will I look like? Who will want me now?

Yes, out of all the stuff I have been through this is what I worry about. Face it, we live in a society where appearance matters. I know I am lucky. I know it may not be that bad. But that thought is there, in my head. I have to wonder... what will I look like? Will I see me?

And my answer is: I don't know.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

I would smile, but I can't

Well, on January 3rd after 14 days, two operations, 42 plus shots and countless other drugs I am home. I find myself very tired and sore. Pain is not too bad but I do have my drugs if needed to combat that. I can finally walk around without a walker. My leg is not even close to being 100%. I will have to go to physical therapy for that. But with time I should be moving around. I have complete numbness in half my face. From the left side of my chin all they way around to my lower right ear. Doctor does not think I will ever get the feeling back. But I guess I could live with it. 5 teeth are gone. Neck is still sore understandably. They did cut in the nature crease of my neck. Looks like someone took a small razor and sliced it from one side to the other. Its hard to move my neck around but its something I have to work on, especially if i want to drive again.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I have limited lip movement. In other words I can not smile or control my lower lip. I feel like Dick Clark. Doctor said it may get better but no guarantees. I can live with the scars and the numbness, but this is too much for me. Since the second surgery on December 24th there has not been one night where I have not cried.

It was a hard thing to go through, still is. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I pray that no other person has to go through this. I know it could be worst. There were people on my floor who had to go through chemo and radiation. I can not even imagine what they go through. All I can do is deal with the pain, and fear and reality of what I have. And its sucks.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Happy New Year.

12 days. I have been in this hospital for 12 days. Feels much longer that then that. It’s New Years. Spent my second holiday in the hospital. Go me! The good part of where I am staying at the hospital is that I could see the fireworks that took place above Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. Well for the most part as it was on an angle. But they were nice.

My mom stayed at the hospital with me late that night just to see the fireworks. She usually leaves no latter then 9pm to head back to the hotel where she was staying. But the time the fireworks were over she could not get a cab. This in hindsight was a big mistake as there was none available. It was New Years after all. So she ended up sleeping over on the little chair that turns into a couch. Not the most comfortable bed but it will do in a pinch.

When I came into the hospital they did warn me that I would lose some weight. But since I was not having my mouth wired shut I did not think I would lose much. I finally was able to get onto a scale at the hospital and I lost 8 pound. Guess its better then nothing. This did not surprise me since I was eating NOTHING for the first few days and was put on a feeding tube after that. Can not wait till I get this tube out. I want chicken wings.

I can tell that the doctors and staff want me to go home, but I don’t want to go home with drains and if there is an issue I would rather deal with it while I am here and not over 3 hours away. Besides, I would not be able to drive, not yet anyway as I can not turn my head. So I would have to rely on other people to help like my bro.

The doctors did come in today to take off one of the drains in my neck. This is good as I was sick of having these two big balls hanging from my neck. They made me look like I had 4 boobs. Plus it’s so gross when they drain the ball as it fills up with blood and other liquids. Let’s just say it stung when they removed it. What a weird sensation.